First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
