The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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