He is like the real live version of the state fair..
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
