I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
