The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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