In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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