Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
