You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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