I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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