We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
As shirtless as possible
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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