If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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