News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
