my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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