opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
