fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
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