I haven't been this sober since birth.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
