i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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