if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
