So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
barbara walters just said penis...
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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