I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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