I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
