did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
