apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
