pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
