i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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