do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
