No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
