i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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