You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
