My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
