I want you more than these girls want KFC
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
50% drunk capacity currently
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
