I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Randomize
