it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
