i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
