Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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