i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
