I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
