I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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