I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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