My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
