Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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