Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
