so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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