I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You made out with two different species that night
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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