Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
