This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
