We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
