I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if only i could text you this smell
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
