mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I am one with the molecules
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
