anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
