What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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