hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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